Interactive Employment Training, Inc.
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Robert D. Lipman, Esq.
Interactive Employment Training, Inc.
500 North Broadway
Jericho, New York 11753-2131
Dear behavioral service provider,
Note to self: remember to edit this, time permitting.
I'm in a bit of a bind here. I can really use your service, but this email came too little too late. I've just been fired from my eighth job in three years because of a medical condition I have. This came as a total shock since I made it to middle-management this time and I thought I was golden since no one knew what I did and therefore thought I was essential personnel. Unfortunately no "medical doctor" I've been to has been able to diagnose this "problem" and therefore the Americans with Disabilities Act has done me a fat lot of good. Security's about to haul my ass out once they deal with the fire I started in my boss's office, so I need to write quickly since I had the foresight to apply for a new job and I don't want to blow it. Again.
I have a self-diagnosed self-named disease called Land's Syndrome. It's a condition where one's brain cannot filter its thoughts before they leave one's mouth in verbal form. For instance, I'm saying everything I'm typing here out loud as it pops into my typical red-blooded American male mind. If you were here in the room with me you would have heard me say "I want to eat some Doritos and masturbate." right after I spoke the previous sentence. Since I'm typing this you will fortunately be spared of these tangents.
Note to self: Remove all other aforementioned tangents in this letter. It's been thirty minutes since I put the clothes in the washer. It's time to put them in the dryer.
I'm just literally speaking my mind, and if the free expression of saying things like "I couldn't help but notice you're not wearing panties from the surveillance camera under your desk" is wrong, I don't want to be right. My mouth gets me into a lot of trouble. I actually said the former comment to a lovely English intern this morning.
She was pretty irate. I think she's the one that got me in trouble with upper-middle management, upper management, and eventually the cripple that owns the company. I thought she was turned on by my comment a little at first. She said that she was calling up her husband and that he'd come down to the office and "I'd come to blows with him". I said "That's great! I come to blows, I come to soft supple hands, and I come to vaginas, which are my penis's personal favorite. I'm not a fan of anal. Anyhoo, normally I'm excited about a good old fashioned three-way, but if I can be frank with you, I usually prefer being with two chicks. Me and your husband? I don't know. That's a little weird for me, but if that's what it takes to get into your pants, I'm willing to compromise my person beliefs."
She then slapped me with an open stapler 20 times. I went to the emergency room to have them removed and get a tetanus shot. I hope that staple remover was sterilized. I don't believe it was standard surgical equipment. My nose itches.
By the time I got back to the office I was called into my boss's office and was told that she was suing me for "sexual harassment", which is ironic considering "her ass meant" nothing to me! I thought this was about a hummer. I was told to pack up my desk and leave as well. That's when I set all my boss's daughter's origami trinkets on fire with my Zippo.
Don't worry, as soon as I'm done emailing you, I'm calling my lawyer to counter-sue about the stapler thing.
I'd like to think I did some good while I was here in terms of creating a relaxed work environment and increasing productivity, Encouraging "Casual Sex Fridays" was shot down, but "Ladies Drink Free Tuesdays" was a smash hit.
My boss also told me that I need to take some sort of discriminatory harassment training for my own good. I'd love to, but like I said before, this is a medical condition, and I have a special case here. Mind you, this is not like Tourettes. These aren't involuntary spasms of grunts, curses, and ape noises. These are genuine fully articulated thoughts that everyone has like "I'd just love to jab this pencil into your eye and suck on it like a gobstopper" or "I'd bang you so hard if my impotence would allow me to do so. I'm taking a Viagra right now just in case".
Would your company be able to help me given my situation? I'm told I'm a handful. Mmm... handful.
Former Middle-Manager of Pictorials Dept.