The Spam Letters - The Book

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The spam is
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by Jonathan Land,
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Author's Note: This is the first spam that I'm putting on the site before I actually send it out because I'm waiting to hear back from the US Secret Service Task Force. I want to see if I can umm... get our governments to work together in harmony. See... I'm responsible! Read all about this evidently famous scam at: Thanks to Joshua Newman for the link.

Subject: Re: CALL ME
To: hamza kalu <>
From: Jonathan Land <>
Date: 07/16/2001

Dr. Land,

My partners have reclined your offer simply for the reason that you are already dealing with somebody else, and by the way is the transaction same with ours, that is does it originate from my country please let me have more information then we can talk better , give me your number I promidse to call.

Dr. Hamza.

Dr. Hamza,

If you've umm... "reclined" my offer, then why are you asking me for more info? That's not what someone in a reclining position would do. They're usually out on a beach somewhere with a fruit drink, or in front of the television with a six-pack.

Who should I be dealing with? Who's the chief muckity-muck, the top dog, the head cheese? Can't we buck the system here, maybe you and I can work out a little something. Point of clarification: While I'm sure you're a handsome man, I meant "work out a little something" purely financially with no sexual overtones. I'm saying you could get a cut of my cut, and that's not a circumcision reference. If you want a circumcision reference, I'll give you the number of a guy I like named Dr. Schwartz in New York. He does babies of all ages, but a) you'd have to come to America, b) that's probably not covered by your health insurance, and c) if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Listen, don't feel awkward about pissing off your co-workers. I'm a bidnessman, I speak the language of bidness, and if you speak the language better than anyone else, and we can communicate well, then the bidness I'll do, I'll do with you. I am a desirable suitor, court me. As a mafia friend once told me, if you want to make an omelet, you've got to break some legs. Of course, when he originally said it, it just came out as one long uber-syllabic word, and I didn't decipher it for about a week and a half, but it's a saying I keep close to my heart.

I'll give you my phone number, but I'd much rather have all of our dealings in writing, 1) so I can have a written record of our dealings for my accountant, and 2) I can include them in my eventual memoirs. Once I'm famous and wealthy I plan on putting out a book of letters showing the path to exactly how I became famous and wealthy, and I'm certainly hoping that you'll be a large part of me getting there.

My phone number is: (xxx) xxx-xxxx

Dr. Land

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